Why does anyone do what he or she does?

I found out shortly before or after my last post that several people were actually reading my blog, so I think subconsiously it freaked me out and I stopped blogging for a while. I beat myself up, in the emotional or mental sense of course, on a regualr basis for not journaling... I would have had so much great reading to do now, had I kept journals. I keep telling myself I should start, but there is no motivation. Why is that? I enjoy my life, at least I try to, I would say I am a pretty cheerful, easily amused person, and I've had some great stories, so why don't I write them down. Though this post is short, I hope it will be the beginning of a habit that I plan to stick to.

I am going to try to include a dose of comedy, or at least dorkiness from my everyday life... The other day my dad asked my sister and I to go outside, in the yucky rain/snow weather and load wood. I was not happy about it, but made up my mind to enjoy the heck out of myself no matter what... so, I did. I played Charlie's Angels, or Mission Impossible, I think I mixed up the theme songs, plus some James Bond, and I ran around with a broom, humming, and rolled under the electric fence... I even made snow angels in the 'barely a dusting of' snow we had. Chantelle does not roll on the ground, she does not get wet, she does not get dirty and she definitely does not pretend a broom is a weapon and act like a hero of sorts, but I did, I did it all. That was a fun day:)

SMSU Homecoming

I think this weekend was the closure I needed. The last month has been rough for me... I suddenly found myself terribly missing my former life. Now that I am back in the mix, even is only for a little while, I've realized that I can't go back and I don't want to. My friend Beth, who also graduated last year, keeps telling everyone she is teaching me about college life this weekend. Somewhere between the classes, meetings, social gatherings, and trying to be a good influence, I missed the college student "culture." I can not handle it, aside from the small doses on visits to see my friends. I am actually, for the first time, somewhat glad I am where I am.

I usually dread the catch-up conversation, exchanging the "How are you"s and "What's new"s is awful, the more I tell people about what I am doing now, subbing, and knitting socks mostly, the easier is becomes. I also am coming to terms with my life and realizing I am blessed and I can do whatever I want. Now, if only I could figure out what that is...

As for the weekend... I am here with many of my friends. I sat at the lunch table for at least two and a half hours. It was glorious. I saw so many people and had some great conversations. It is definitely more action and entertainment than I am used to... a welcome change.

The rest of the weekend is sure to be a hit! SMSU Rocks! (That's the homecoming theme)

Fall:)

I haven't blogged in a very long time... so here we go.

The last time I blogged was the day before school started. I was in a rough spot... I was kind of depressed about not having a job and I didn't know what I was going to do to keep busy. Somehow the last three weeks have flown. Here we are, at the end of September, I haven't accomplished anything of note, yet, I am not bored out of my mind. I have subbed a few days... I clean and sort and sort some more... I am finally knitting a sock. I tried before, be because of the seemingly foreign language on the pattern I gave up when the piece I was working on no longer looked like any part of a sock I had ever seen. This time however... I consider my efforts a success. The sock is almost done... I will add a photo of the completed project.

This morning I was taking a shower and thinking about life. I always seem to think very logically, clearly, and stresslessly while I am taking a shower. Maybe it is like a physical metaphor or something. My life isn't so bad... I don't have to do anything and I can do whatever I want. Things are looking especially bright this week because I am spending the latter part of the week with many friends when I return to my Alma mater for homecoming.

I think the biggest downer in what looks like (notice the "what looks like", I really feel very deep in responsibility and low on the quality free time) a low responsibility, high free-time life I'm living is that I'm lonely. I am never alone, which adds to the problem, yet I feel friendless. I know that in a big way this is my own fault. I should make friends, or at the very least call up some of the local friends I do have and make plans... I am lazy, and shy, and I have this deep fear of getting in the way or disturbing people. I am up for anything... but I initiate very little.

Maybe I should use Autumn, the greatest of the seasons, as an inspiration to make my life the way I want it to be. I should... that doesn't mean I will.

Today is my dad's birthday. He is 67 and the man is nuts! He had a bunch of his buddies over for dinner. He cooks, so there is little prep work involved for me, except that I do the cleaning. The nuts part comes in when I think about how crazy he makes himself. He is a retired farmer and he had six of his farmer friends over. These people appreciate a good meal and are easy to please, so how many dishes did my father prepare for this meal? SEVEN! I love him, but in the kitchen, the man is nuts. He just doesn't quit. And he makes a big mess in the process. I tried to be really nice because it is his birthday, so I mostly went along with what he wanted. The older he gets, the more kitchen crazy he becomes... I hope we don't have Thanksgiving or Christmas this year... Thanks to my aunt all the clean-up is done.... dramatic catastrophe averted.

I am so excited that fall is here. I love it! The leaves, the weather, the clothing; it's all fabulous.

Tonight my sister and I are planning to have a small bonfire... there is something fabulous about sitting around a fire in the fall of the year. I got to this weekend and I realized that's something I want to do more of. We hope the rain doesn't ruin our plan.

Summer's End

Tomorrow is the first day of school for every student and teacher I know. Am I sad that I do not have my own classroom to go to tomorrow?... Not really. I've realized that teaching is something I enjoy, but I can not imagine going back full time right now. I know if I had classes of my own, I would be ready, but I truly am thankful for the break. As I've thought about it... I've realized many of my friends took 'breaks' in one form or another after college. This is the first real break I've ever had, so I don't really know how to deal with it. I should take advantage of this time... this time to do nothing, or whatever I want. I have no deadlines. I know that my schedule will fill up soon enough. So, I need to make the most of this time that I've been given.

While visiting with a friend, Kara, this weekend, she used some words that hit the nail on the head when it comes to this 'new' life. I have no clue how "to just be." I've always had a visible, and very measurable goal to work for or a supervisor to answer to, now I just have me and the plan that God had which I am supposed to figure out, I guess. Most importantly, this time I've been given is a time to reassess my life to this point and make some goals for myself.

Time... so hard to come by, I better not waste it.

Adulthood... revisited and multileveled.

Yesterday I was in the middle of an anxiety attack, which I had never experienced before, but at about 4:30 this morning I discovered one of the main factors behind the attack. If there are any gentlemen reading this, be warned, it gets pretty "girly", but it's something you should be aware of anyway.

I realized that much of my recent physical and mental ickiness was due to a serious case of PMS. I further realized that I wasn't able to dispense the pent up emotional combustion in my normal way. Usually I get very short-tempered, and angry at the world... I express it mostly to myself and in loud bursts away from others... but due to a recent illness which put my mother in the hospital and two other members of my bursting household on vacation I was so blissfully happy, motivated and under stressed that I had no reason to be upset or get angry. I had time to be by myself and not feel guilty about it. Therefore, I've realized that releasing aggression is healthy for me, otherwise I take it out on myself and wreak havoc on my own system. This growing up thing is hard to do.

As I mentioned in my first post... fully functional adulthood is fast approaching. Sitting in front of the TV for hours and doing nothing else just doesn't satisfy like it used to. I made a 'to do' list today and I have actually already done about half the things on it. I guess growing up, though hard and confusing, is really not as difficult, effort wise, as it seemed.

My next motivation attack... reading. I like to read, but I always feel like I am going to miss something. The books are starting to pile up.

Degree?

24-hours ago, I started having what I believe was an anxiety attack. This has never happened to me before. I typically deal with stress very well... though some mental trepidation and banter occurs, outwardly I am the picture of calm, cool and collected. Today, my life was a different story. I felt clammy, my stomach was in knots, and I couldn't get calm. Suddenly all the mistakes I've made and all potential future hardships popped in and flooded my emotional recovery mechanisms. I had a long conversation with an old, dear friend and I think she helped me confirm and work through my main issue... I don't have a job. I am fine with that... the break is a good thing. I don't 'need' the money, and I have more important matters to attend to, assisting and aging parent in caring for a disabled parent. But, deep down, I'm feeling some guilt about not using my college degree. Though I wouldn't trade my college experience for anything, I don't know that I really want to be a teacher. I am sort of lost and I don't know what to do about it. I feel like I should be doing what I went to school for and if I don't, I may just be afraid of what people will or do think of me. Most importantly I'm afraid that I have lost track of God's plan. I know he has one for me... the challenge comes in knowing if I am following it.
Only time will tell.

Embarking...

This whole blog thing is fascinating. I tell myself, pretty often, that I need to start journaling. Of course, every time I start, it lasts for about as long as it takes me to write one entry. So... in hopes to learn more about myself and keep some record of my life I am going to blog. I wrote one entry a long time ago, another failed attempt at journaling, but it was cheesy and ridiculous: I'm starting over.

I must be growing up. We see lists of humorous signs of growing up and things like that... but I know for a fact I am. I used to think all those things older people did, specifically my aunt Mary, were just quirks of their individuality. I know now they couldn't help it. I could have slept until noon today if I wanted to... I was awake with no hope of falling asleep again at 8am. The first thing I did... I washed the dishes. Who washes dishes on her day off?! Then I cleaned the bathroom. These are things that efficient, non procrastinating adults do, not things that I do. It is 5:30pm and I still haven't watched television and I've been home most of the day. The quiet is kind of nice. I'm only 23 and I see far too many signs of adultness in myself. What's next? Caffeine keeping me awake at night and giving me crazy weird dreams... oh wait, it already does.

My sister is reading a book. This may not sound like much, but she is 19 and I don't think I seen her reading more than one or two novel length books in her whole life. I have decided to use her as a test subject or experiment. I am trained as a High School English teacher, therefore I face an endless abyss of students not wanting to read. Maybe this turning point with my sister can help me to help my students. Or, maybe it's just one of those adult things...