Adulthood... revisited and multileveled.

Yesterday I was in the middle of an anxiety attack, which I had never experienced before, but at about 4:30 this morning I discovered one of the main factors behind the attack. If there are any gentlemen reading this, be warned, it gets pretty "girly", but it's something you should be aware of anyway.

I realized that much of my recent physical and mental ickiness was due to a serious case of PMS. I further realized that I wasn't able to dispense the pent up emotional combustion in my normal way. Usually I get very short-tempered, and angry at the world... I express it mostly to myself and in loud bursts away from others... but due to a recent illness which put my mother in the hospital and two other members of my bursting household on vacation I was so blissfully happy, motivated and under stressed that I had no reason to be upset or get angry. I had time to be by myself and not feel guilty about it. Therefore, I've realized that releasing aggression is healthy for me, otherwise I take it out on myself and wreak havoc on my own system. This growing up thing is hard to do.

As I mentioned in my first post... fully functional adulthood is fast approaching. Sitting in front of the TV for hours and doing nothing else just doesn't satisfy like it used to. I made a 'to do' list today and I have actually already done about half the things on it. I guess growing up, though hard and confusing, is really not as difficult, effort wise, as it seemed.

My next motivation attack... reading. I like to read, but I always feel like I am going to miss something. The books are starting to pile up.

Degree?

24-hours ago, I started having what I believe was an anxiety attack. This has never happened to me before. I typically deal with stress very well... though some mental trepidation and banter occurs, outwardly I am the picture of calm, cool and collected. Today, my life was a different story. I felt clammy, my stomach was in knots, and I couldn't get calm. Suddenly all the mistakes I've made and all potential future hardships popped in and flooded my emotional recovery mechanisms. I had a long conversation with an old, dear friend and I think she helped me confirm and work through my main issue... I don't have a job. I am fine with that... the break is a good thing. I don't 'need' the money, and I have more important matters to attend to, assisting and aging parent in caring for a disabled parent. But, deep down, I'm feeling some guilt about not using my college degree. Though I wouldn't trade my college experience for anything, I don't know that I really want to be a teacher. I am sort of lost and I don't know what to do about it. I feel like I should be doing what I went to school for and if I don't, I may just be afraid of what people will or do think of me. Most importantly I'm afraid that I have lost track of God's plan. I know he has one for me... the challenge comes in knowing if I am following it.
Only time will tell.

Embarking...

This whole blog thing is fascinating. I tell myself, pretty often, that I need to start journaling. Of course, every time I start, it lasts for about as long as it takes me to write one entry. So... in hopes to learn more about myself and keep some record of my life I am going to blog. I wrote one entry a long time ago, another failed attempt at journaling, but it was cheesy and ridiculous: I'm starting over.

I must be growing up. We see lists of humorous signs of growing up and things like that... but I know for a fact I am. I used to think all those things older people did, specifically my aunt Mary, were just quirks of their individuality. I know now they couldn't help it. I could have slept until noon today if I wanted to... I was awake with no hope of falling asleep again at 8am. The first thing I did... I washed the dishes. Who washes dishes on her day off?! Then I cleaned the bathroom. These are things that efficient, non procrastinating adults do, not things that I do. It is 5:30pm and I still haven't watched television and I've been home most of the day. The quiet is kind of nice. I'm only 23 and I see far too many signs of adultness in myself. What's next? Caffeine keeping me awake at night and giving me crazy weird dreams... oh wait, it already does.

My sister is reading a book. This may not sound like much, but she is 19 and I don't think I seen her reading more than one or two novel length books in her whole life. I have decided to use her as a test subject or experiment. I am trained as a High School English teacher, therefore I face an endless abyss of students not wanting to read. Maybe this turning point with my sister can help me to help my students. Or, maybe it's just one of those adult things...